A Wallflower All Grown Up

The other day I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower, the film. I've always been a big fan of the book, read it more times than I can count using both hands (and probably toes, too) but until watching the film, I never realized what struck me. I never knew what connected me so much to Charlie and his friends, but I felt like I knew them. In fact, I always pictured them with the faces of people I know in real life. Patrick was my best friend (a guy) who struggled with cross dressing, keeping it under wraps, and attempting to have a semi-normal life in a small Texas town. He doesn't do that anymore. In fact, he's dating a girl who knows about all of it and loves him and they're happy. Sam was another beautiful best friend, (a girl) in high school. Everybody loved her and thought she was superb. All the guys liked her. She was smart. Into all the guy type stuff. In fact, she's going to college right now to be an engineer. I think she's pretty great, even though she's done some pretty crappy things. I guess we all have, though. 

Anyway, there were people in my real life that I associated with characters in Stephen Chbosky's amazing novel. Still, that isn't it. I understood Charlie.

As a grown-up, I understand Charlie.

I don't act like Charlie. I was a bit of a wallflower in school, but never to that extent. I always was friendly, had friends, but I never really let myself participate. What I understood in Charlie is the self-hate. The self-doubt. The questioning of every little action and behavior and wondering, "Oh my goodness, did I just make myself seem even weirder?" and the WORST, "If people actually knew me, would they want to know me?"

Other people I've talked to who have struggled with depression go through the same things. Feeling alone, tired, worthless. In my case (because I've always been a big girl) I've always figured I felt that way because I'm fat. I don't think that's it, though. I think it's depression and anxiety and most of all, NOT LOVING YOURSELF. 

I am more okay now than I've been, but it's because I've learned to love myself. I love Jesus. I love other people. It would hurt if I talked to other people the way I talk to myself. I would not be a nice person. Jesus died for me, and I know not all of you do, but I think that's a BIG DEAL. Clearly, I'm worth loving. Fat, thin, short, tall, pimply, we all are. 

Charlie's friends teach him that. Jesus, and a lot of people, family, and friends, taught me that. 

Perks... will always been one of my favorite books. Charlie is kind of great.

Book Review: The Lifecycle of Software Objects

The Lifecycle of Software Objects by Ted Chiang
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This was an odd one. AI has always been an odd realm to tackle. Why create artificial beings that make you feel like they're human? Then you've created another life (albeit a mechanical one) you're responsible for... The humanity in this story is refreshing. Ironic, I know, in a story about robots...but real human questions exist.

The formatting was excellent, and the flow superb once you wrap your head around the concept. It's entirely new, but very possible, and in the iWorld we live in, it makes one question if this sort of world is in our immediate future.

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The Flu, or My Homebound Nerd Fest, Party of 1

Having been diagnosed with the country's most current plague (no, Reader, not illiteracy or ignorance-those have been around for years), the evil Influenza, I have found myself in a feverish state craving all manner of nerd culture. Doctor Who, Dr. Horrible, Harry Potter, Castle, the Marvel Universe, and completely ignored my graduate school readings of Aristotle and Cicero.

Don't judge me. I have a fever and I'm not afraid to use it. Although as my students informed me, "that's bioterrorism, and the U.S. doesn't negotiate w/terrorist."

I'm slacking. The Hermione inside me is very upset at the possibility we will not get an A this week. The Ron inside me says to eat something and I'll feel better. The Freud (not inside of me-ew) says Harry Potter characters are talking inside my head and I'm not crazy, I probably just have penis envy.

I'm going back to bed now, and maybe later I'll watch the episode of Friends where Joey plays Freud in a musical.

And later I'll do my homework, because Hermione can be a bit scary. And I never give her As.

Book Review: Clockwork Angel

Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Having read all The Mortal Instruments books to date, I had high expectations for this novel and I was most certainly not disappointed. While I loved those, this was definitely much more my style. Firstly, I love the setting of Victorian London, and the troubled characters, but the protagonist herself is a "monster" of sorts. A brave female lead set against a cast of characters both relate-able and mystical makes for a delectable, fast-paced story.

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Pain and Forgiveness

“Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.”

― Mitch Albom,
The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Even righteous anger, at what one perceives as a true and direct betrayal, can turn on you and will evolve into a bitter poison that slowly destroys you.

Forgiving doesn't mean I think what was done is ok, but rather that I love you enough, and God loved me enough, to work it out. I'm tired of being angry.

Funny how God can use the right book and the right person to speak to you.

What to read?

I realize it's been a while since I've written, dear readers, but unfortunately there's been quite a bit of life happening lately.

I would live to say I've been reading, but alas... It is not so.

"Why, Ms. Litwit! Why ever not?"

The answer is in the chaos. An indie band named Rainier Maria (after the poet) have a great song called "Catastrophe Keeps Us Together," and I've been jamming to it a great deal. If you believe in God, or prayer, please send up a few for my family.

I am about to start reading again. The last novel I read was a mystery called City of Glass by Paul Auster. Very thought provoking novel, but I need a work of fiction to get lost in...a world in which I might wrap myself. And not a series. I've quite enough of those I'm in the midst of.

I'm thinking of either Jane Eyre (as I've never read it) or The Kite Runner or The Poisonwood Bible or Oryx and Crake.

Take a vote, readers!

Et tu, Brute?

The worst pain in the world goes beyond the physical. Even further beyond any other emotional pain one can feel. It is the betrayal of a friend.

-Heather Brewer